im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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