my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
