Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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