the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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