Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
