I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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