woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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