bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
