dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Drake has all the answers
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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