Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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