no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
