i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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