I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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