Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
