he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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