there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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