so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
