I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
