i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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