i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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