If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
