I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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