dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
