one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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