Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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