Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
