I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
