my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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