I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
