dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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