god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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