a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
