p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
