I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
