if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
