I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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