last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
