I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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