Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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