I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
