Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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