I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
