I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I need moral support for this bender
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
