Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think I am morally bankrupt
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
