You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
