dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
