my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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