Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
