I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
