i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
