The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
