I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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