shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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