i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
