My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
